Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
