I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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