My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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