fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
