The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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