Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Quick, to the slutcave!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
