Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
