Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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