we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
