you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
