Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
