It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
