Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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