i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
