just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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