hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
