I accidentally had phone sex last night
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
