I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize