Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
