The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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