sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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