I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
