she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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