I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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