It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
