I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
