: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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