You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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