Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
