My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
