oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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