i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
