There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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