I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
