How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
