I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
