do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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