Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
