I just pynch a tree in the face
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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