this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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