I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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