yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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