his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
