____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
