My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
