what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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