I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
