I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
