Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize