ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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