i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
