My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
