Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
