Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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