Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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