I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
