does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
