I wish I only lived at night.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
